Honestly I don’t even know besides the fact that I’ve been working out really hard and eating relatively clean. Maybe I didn’t realize just how bad I was eating previously. Idk man. I will say that the weigh-in I’m basing this off of was taken on the last day of my period- so that by itself could have put me 2-6 pounds higher than what I truly weighed. I’m attributing the huge loss to that because irl it’s realistic to lose only 1-2 pounds a week.
So last night I was trying to figure out why my friend’s brother doesn’t love me.
We made out a few times which is weird (for me because I never get to make out with anyone ever) then he just fell off the face of the planet. Obviously this left me really confused,angry, and used. I’ve made those feelings quite clear to him while under the influence of alcohol. Yikes.
But I figured one thing that is probably a turn off is that I’m not fun anymore. My depression has been out of control the last few months and that could be unsettling to a person who doesn’t get it.
Also, when I’m feeling good I usually look pretty good… And let’s just say I haven’t been looking that great lately. Last night in my sleeplessness I realized I wear dresses when I’m happy. The first time I hung out with him I wore a dress. I didn’t plan it that way- I just realized it last night. Also, I had on my favorite tights. Really it was just one of my favorite outfits and there was no second thought given to it.
But looking back on it, he really liked my outfit and I was completely oblivious to the effect it had on him.
So my plan is to make myself happy enough to be fun and wear cute outfits again (specifically tights and dresses). The catch is that it has to be genuine happiness and not just fake happiness to get attention.
This is all kind of silly because I don’t want his attention so that he can be interested in me again and possibly want to date me. He’s actually a douche and he can’t have me back after treating me like I was so casually unimportant. I want his attention so that be can see me back to my true self and regret missing out on how great I am. I want him to kick himself in the pants for not being nicer.
But for this plan to work, I have to re-discover my cute happy fun self. And that is actually the most fun part about this.
It hasn’t even been a week, but so far I like it just fine. It doesn’t make me groggy and sleepy like the other meds did. In fact, I feel a moderate amount of “awake” given I’ve been using this medication in conjunction with a healthier diet and lots of exercise.
Today is Friday.
I weighed myself this morning even though weigh day isn’t until Monday. I am down 8 pounds since Monday which is cool. I know part of the poundage lost is water weight from shark week, but even if I use the weight I had before shark week it means I lost 6 pounds in about a week and a half which is cray.
Since I cheated and weighed myself before weigh day, my goal is to be .6 lbs lighter on Monday. I think that is fair enough.
I’m very proud of myself for what I have accomplished this week and I can’t wait to continue this way for weeks and weeks to come. Huzzah.
Don’t be angry at yourself when anxiety/depression flares up. It isn’t your fault and no one blames you and if they do they’re pieces of shit.
Don’t orbit around your perceived value so much. You’re not the sum total of what you produce.
Don’t let yourself wonder why people love you. That’s not how it works. There are not stark, individual reasons that a person can enumerate about why they love you. It’s the entire, unique combination of what and who you are.
When I have kids I never want them to grow up hating their bodies. I will never talk about hating my body, counting calories, go on crazy diets, shame them for eating certain foods, or have a scale in my house. I will never talk negatively about the way I look. I want to show them that I love myself, so they can grow up loving themselves too.
There’s a difference between wanting to change your body to improve and strengthen it and wanting to change your body because you hate it. It’s important to know the difference because one of those will destroy you from the inside out.
my teacher sent a student home today because the student had had an anxiety attack earlier in the morning and she said “if you have a broken bone, you don’t just keep walking on it and damaging it more, you treat it. Your mental health is the same. Health then school.”
I was about to get really angry but it took a different turn than I expected
“I just want someone who won’t get annoyed when I text them six times or in all caps. Someone I can go on long drives with and can sing along to the radio with. Someone I can eat pizza with at 2am and kiss at 6pm. Someone who chooses me everyday and never thinks twice about it.”—(via jessielou24)